Dear Diary: An Introspect into Hugs & Drugs.

Dear Diary, I’m sitting in bed on my phone typing this, praising the Google Gods for creating Google Docs. I often snag a computer to clack on, but tonight it’s a one-fingered affair. Just my iPhone and a finger. Sounds like a bad millennial porno… I’m betting with the cat that I don’t fall asleep while writing this. I say no, Potato (the cat) says yes. The cat is a cheeky asshole anyways. 

 It’s late. The excitement in my life was eating a CBD gummy bear and chasing it down with meds for my nerves and meds for my pain. And before your knickers get in a twist, its beneficial for any judgmental banana-heads out there to know that CBD is not a Drug. Do some research, pull the underwear out of your ass, and see yourself off if you can't handle what I'm dishing out. Or, stay and just be a cool motherfucker.

Having a incurable disease kinda sucks, but I’d rather have this then crabs or crotch-crickets. I’ve had neither by the way- I’m just saying I would rather have a disease that may one day physically handi-cap me over your standard everyday STD. 

 A girl has priorities. 

 And while I sit here wondering how rapidly my body is consuming my nerves (which is the unfortunate truth), I can’t help to think how desperately I need a hug. Like

I NEED A FUCKING HUG RIGHT NOW.

Which is odd because I’m not a hugger, or at least I never was one before. But now it’s all I want. I want to be bear-hugged, or placed in a basket hold, or shoved down a hill really hard. A huge shift in emotional and physical needs right there, but I’m so pent up I’m surprised I’m not hanging off my ceiling panting like Zuul, the Gatekeeper of Gozer, anxiously awaiting the Key Masters arrival.

My kids come to me for hugs, but I’m the one who hugs the hardest. I’m the Mum, the protector, the giver of hugs. Couldn’t I just hire someone to hug me? Did I just come up with a new entrepreneurial opportunity?! Like a Escort service but without the awkward sex, and lots of hugs.

Professional Hugger.

Professional Cuddler.

Hugs Extraordinaire.

I Will Fucking Hug You.

BINGO!

I Will Fucking Hug You. It’s perfect! I’ll need a staff. Interviews will be done in hugs. Best huggers get the job. Bonus points for good hygiene and emotional instability. Must love cats named after ground vegetables.

You see darling diary, the best ideas come to fruition in the most desperate of times while sitting in bed pants-less with a furry potato staring you down silently willing you to fall asleep.

I’m signing off to go watch some ASMR videos now and fall asleep like the middle aged rockstar I am.

PS: Think I’m really gonna try launching this hug business

PPS: I have the strangest craving for watermelon right now- is that weird?

PMS: Haha, fuck the cat, I won!