Dear Diary: Not a Billionaire, Yet.

I'd like to say that I haven't been around for fantastic reasons....

I won the lottery and bought a cat farm.

I've been traveling the depths of Italy, and eating Delicate Italian pasta dishes with Pasquale, my man-maid.

I've been snorkeling with Nemo and helping him find Dory.

I've been learning the intricate art of Kung-Fu.

I've been up, I've been down, I've been all around. But the truth of the matter is:

I forgot my password.

And this is where I'm at in life. I forgot my password. I forgot to pay my electric bill and had my power shut off for 24 hours. And the other day, I forgot my child.  There's a reason I forget, but I just don't want to talk about it now. After this past week, a very long week, a very sad week- I realized that my life is just not the same life I used to have.

I am not the same person.

I do not have the same abilities.

"I" may never come back.

I need to adapt.

I need to make changes.

CHANGE IS HARD!

I mean, have you ever forgotten about your own child?! If you have, I sympathize. There is no worse feeling in the world. And this world, OooOooOooOoo- super fucking judgy. Filled with people who "cannot fathom" "would never do that" "don't understand" and "cannot even comprehend". Bitch, please. We are all made of the same skin and bone. We are all human. Some people just think they are better than others. 

It is those people who bite it hard in the end. 

And I'm the girl who has the popcorn ready, and a front row seat when the time comes for all those who have judged me to get whatever Karma is coming for them. And the best part about all that is that I pop my own corn. No microwave baggies here. I dump it in the hot air thing-a-ma-bobber, most times forgetting to place a bowl underneath, watch it pop and explode everywhere while my children laugh and scream and the cats start chasing rogue kernels, finally getting a bowl, collecting the remaining popcorn, loading that shit with butter and salt, and sharing it with my loved ones. Making popcorn in my house is not only a delicious snack, it's a damn great adventure too!

But I digress, like I always do. Life just kind of sucks right now. Nowadays everything I need to do in life requires a alarm. 

Wake-up: Alarm

Kid 1 on the Bus: Alarm

Kid 2 on the Bus: Alarm

Pay {insert bill here}: Alarm

Dr's Appointment: Alarm

Kid 1 After-school Activity: Alarm

Kid 2 After-school Activity: Alarm

Don't Forget this: Alarm

Don't forget that: Alarm

You should probably eat something: Alarm

Take your meds: Alarm

You see the pattern now. And with these alarms comes a calendar on the wall, and a planner in my purse. They all say the same thing. They are all mirror-images. Alarms match the calendar, alarms and calendar match the planner. It's fucking exhausting.

The thing about this is: I could use more help. I am desperate for help, but nobody can help with things like these. Someone cant just jump into your skin like that dramatic scene from the movie Ghost and become you. There is no loving, handsome, harmless, glowing ghost to come sit behind you at the pottery wheel and wrap their arms around you in a weird sexual way. Nope, they sure can't. This is real life. You cope and deal, and you improvise. You learn the absolute most hard way.

This thing that I'm going through, I've been dealing with it for awhile, but nothing has changed. I still have to perform the same amount and I still have responsibilities. Nothing has been taken off my plate. I'm expected to do the same amount, and when I forget people get mad at me. It proves a point that nobody understands anything about the next person. If you aren't living it, you aren't understanding it. Basic human nature. 

So what am I to do? 

It's easy and excruciating all at the same time-the same shit that I do every day. I deal with it. I get through it. I wake up the next day and cringe knowing that I have to do it all over again. I slap on a smile. I pretend. I am an unpaid actress and my scene is life. All of it. The messy, glorious, scary, exhausting rigmarole of being on this earth.

The point of this whole post is that there is no point. Sometimes people just need to talk and have absolutely no beginning and no end, knowing that somewhere there is another person feeling the same way. Knowing that other people need help too in their own capacities. Help that they are searching for, help that they cannot find, all the while feeling utterly help-less. 

There's some hot-mess of a human being out there going through some shit right now, and that person just happens to be me. I'm happy if this post helps just one person know that they are not alone.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

It doesn't matter what it is your going through, and if its anything like I am going through. What matters is that you aren't alone. Take comfort in that. Sometimes its all that we have, knowing this. And remember, I'm right there with you. Unless I forget. Which I could do. But hey- that's what iPhone alarms are for, after all!

-Ash.